I’ve had a few people ask me when I’m going to post again. My answer has been “I don’t know; I guess when I have something to say.”
The truth is, I’m not really sure what to say here. I feel like I’m in a weird sort of “in between” place at the moment. I’m where I want to be – pregnant – but I haven’t really left the other side yet. I’m afraid to post anything here that can be read as negative or complaining because I feel like people are likely to think that I should just shut up and be happy to be here. And I really, truly, incredibly am – but it’s not always easy all the time.
I’m really happy. Excited. Thrilled. But the fear hasn’t left and the infertile feeling lingers.
Several weeks ago I got to attend my first “pregnant after infertility” support group meeting. And after looking forward to it for such a long time, I hated it. I felt like everyone had already moved on; meanwhile, the reality of the struggle and the pain was still so fresh and raw for me. I actually thought I was going to cry. And I felt so guilty for feeling that way – I should be 100% happy.
But I’ve been infertile for a lot longer than I’ve been pregnant, and it’s not like a switch just flips and I can forget the last 5 years. They’re such a part of me and they always will be. I’ll never forget what it took me to get here.
So for now I’m kind of in between. I don’t feel confident enough to consider myself part of the pregnant group yet. I’ve left the infertile group physically, but not totally mentally, and definitely not emotionally all the way. I don’t know what I want to do with this blog yet. I don’t want it to become just a pregnancy blog (though I have no problem with others doing that; it’s just not for me) but I don’t want to abandon it, either.
Right now I guess it’s just kind of waiting, like I am.
My next appointment is Monday. We’re meeting with the perinatologist (high-risk doctor). The last 3+ weeks have been the longest of my life; I know I say that every time, but each wait feels longer. I’m so anxious to get there and make sure everything is ok. I think it’ll be easier to breathe after that.
And for those of you that want updates – I’m 12 weeks today. I still can’t believe it. Hopefully Monday will make it easier.
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I’m proud of you, Stacie, for staying connected to your own journey emotionally while still being sensitive to others. Love you, Dad
I have been looking forward to more posts, but understand the lack. I don’t think you have to feel 100% happy because you have had so much pain and there is still so much worry and fear. As always, praying for peace for you and health for those tiny little babies. I look forward to reading whatever you feel is right or appropriate to post.
I think that this post is perfect …perfect for what this blog needs to continue to be…a blog about your journey with infertility…this is still part of that same journey. love you.