Don’t ever tell someone who’s having trouble getting pregnant to “just relax” and stop stressing about it. All the relaxing in the world won’t help if someone has blocked tubes or a husband with no sperm. It’s offensive, and it makes people feel invalidated.

But, that being said -

A psychiatrist that I went to for awhile told me repeatedly that depression can hinder conception, and then there are lots of people who believe in the power of positive thinking.

So I have to wonder: Does my mind, or my perception, or what I tell myself, have any effect on anything whatsoever?

In January my therapist encouraged me to “think positively” and believe that I would be 2 or 3 months pregnant when my sister’s wedding rolled around in June. And I did. For awhile I truly, really, actually believed that it would happen.

But it didn’t.

For the last IUI we did, we talked as if it had worked. We even talked about “the twins,” because I sincerely have a feeling that if I ever do get pregnant it will be two at once. It just seems ironic somehow – I don’t know.

But there were no twins, and there was no baby. It was all just empty again.

For this IUI, I have no hopeful feelings. No positive thinking. My heart is just not into it.

Other people have offered to carry the hope for me, which is unbelievably helpful and touching, but I can’t help wondering: am I dooming myself if I don’t carry that hope myself?

Does it really matter?

I go in tomorrow for my Day 2 sonogram to make sure everything looks ok. They make sure there are no cysts, check the lining of my uterus to see if it’s the right thickness, and draw blood to check levels of something (horrible, I know; I should know all this by now).

If everything is ok, I think I’ll be starting shots tomorrow. Woo hoo! I get to put them in a cooler and drive them to Amarillo and have D give me shots at my parents’ apartment. Fun! Pick me!

Actually that doesn’t really bother me anymore. I’m just ready to get this going.

For our last IUI, I took clomid (a pill) on Days 5-9 and did FSH injections (shots) on Days 7, 9, and 11, going in for a sonogram between Day 3-5 and one more on Day 12.  This IUI is going to be different.

No clomid (good riddance - that stuff is pure freaking evil. I can’t even put into words my intense hatred of the stuff; it’s treated me badly in too many ways).  

Injections starting Day 2 and lasting for about a week. Every day at the same time (between 7:00-9:00pm). I’m a little hazy on the details since I was given them seconds after bad news several months ago, but I believe I go in for sonograms starting Day 5 and have them every other day for awhile. I’ll have more details tomorrow I’m sure.

I’m ready for tomorrow. I’m ready for this whole thing. Let’s do it!